Moments after pitching uncontrolled into a ravine it occurred to me that there are distinct differences in the thinking of men and women.

“Noooooooo” you say. “Gee, that’s news” you mutter sarcastically. Well, if you’re a guy you mutter sarcastically. If you’re a woman you say “Yeah, you go, girl.” See what I mean?

(Disclaimer for the rest of the article: I am not a sexist sow. I fully understand that there is such a thing as ‘role reversal’. I also fully understand that if you are a woman who acts masculine, you’re usually proud of it, and if you’re a guy who cries at chick flicks you usually hide it from your buddies. It’s rare that two people with the same gender of thinking ever get together. That would be too easy. God is a comedian. So figure out which you are before you read any further. And if you don’t know which you are, then God (or the next issue of Cosmopolitan) help you.)

To illustrate my point, take my husband’s and my conversation on our way to our last camping trip for example. No, never mind, there was no conversation. Oh okay, there was a little conversation - on my end. Chris’ answers ended in “Uhg” which is short for “I heard you and I don’t have anything to say so shut the hell up.” Hey! Maybe that’s it, maybe men have invented a code and they actually say more than we realize!

For example: “I think you should” . . . actually means: I am the rational and practical solver of all problems and if you would only LISTEN to me for a change then maybe you would be able to solve all your silly problems by a) ignoring it, b) decking whoever is responsible for whatever is bugging you or c) forget about it, BUT . . . if after I tell you what I think you should do and you don’t do it then don’t bring it up again in this lifetime.”

Or how about this: “Why do you get so emotional?” Really means: “I’m totally confused here and don’t have the slightest idea what I’m supposed to say or do so the best option is to a) ignore you, b) watch football or c) putter in the garage until you quit crying.” See, guys think there are only three things in life you should get emotional for: 1) A loss sustained by: (insert team, Dodgers, Broncos, Yankees, Colts, Vikings, Packers, Tiger Woods . . . your stock portfolio. etc.
2) Death (of a family member or close friend only - any other deaths are a reason to make sarcastic remarks) and 3) the ‘catch’ scene in Field of Dreams.

So I guess guys do have long conversations, even if they’re in their own heads. Which means I suppose I’m wrong, which really means I’m NOT wrong because women are always right. Men think they’re right. Women know they’re right.

Now on that same aforementioned camping trip, if my sisters would have been in the car with me we’d have analyzed our lives, our friends’ lives, your lives (and we don’t even know you) and discussed why ‘Of COURSE Oprah can lose weight she’s got a gazillion dollars and can hire somebody to chain her up from her food.’ Sheesh. I’m not even going to go into what my husband would be thinking, mostly because I don’t have a clue.

Therefore: In lieu of the fact that neither gender understands the other, let’s talk about

Things Women Don’t Get. And Never Will. Ever.

1) We don’t understand why you’ll leave your dirty socks in the middle of the living room floor, but get bent out of shape if we put the 10mm socket in the 12 mm hole in your tool box.

2) We wash our riding pants.

3) We actually believe the warning label on gasoline, contact cleaner and brake fluid when it says not to inhale the fumes in a closed garage with the propane heater running.

4) We don’t understand spark plug numbers. We suspect you don’t either but won’t admit it.

5) Spending $1,000 and rebuilding an engine for 2 more horsepower makes no sense coming from a man who can’t work the digital coffee pot and won’t buy a new one that’s not digital cuz it’s too expensive.

4) We use our gear bags to hold our freshly laundered gear and assorted 5-year-old granola bars. We don’t use them to bring bull snakes home as pets. (Come to think of it, he DID use my gear bag.) And we use our drinking water systems complete with mold for drinking and to give us a regular doses of antibiotics. We do NOT bring tadpoles back to camp in them.

5) We think the kitchen floor should be cleaner than the garage floor. You have it reversed.
We’re going to let you eat in the garage.

6) We don’t care about Excel rims. Stock rims are cheaper to ding up.

7) We buy new jerseys when the old ones rip and hang from our body in shreds. We don’t care that we were wearing it when we were 15th overall in the bomb run in 1985.

8) We carry toilet paper and a folding screen in our fanny packs for potty breaks. We hike five miles to the nearest bush in the middle of the Sahara to use said toilet paper and folding screen.
You think potty breaks are a chance to show everyone how you can write your name in the sand .. . backwards.

9) “Jetting” means:

. . .flying somewhere romantic! What a lovely word, so full of adventure, so . . so . . No? And your first male thought was . . .anguish, right? Because you can NEVER get it jetted as well as (pick one: a) Off-Road.com, b) Off-Road.com, c)Off-Road.com, d)all other dirt bike magazines,) says you can.

and finally -

10) We go to the doctor when we’re hurt and we understand and know our bodies better. We don’t think beer is an effective antibiotic or pain reliever chaser. We don’t scream “You’ll never take me alive!!” when the nurse comes to get us for a CAT scan. And we do not encourage other people to feel our collarbone break bumps. You don’t believe me? Quick, what’s a NSAID? What’s your blood type? What is your family physician’s name? And last but not least, we can spell ‘ovaries’ but ‘prostrate’ is not what you think it is.

Which brings me around to my trip into the ravine. (You thought I forgot, huh?) Our little riding group came to this very steep, nasty little hill. My thoughts? Have the first guy to go up show us the best line so we don’t kill ourselves. The first guy up was my husband. He had threatened earlier that day to go up the most difficult line when we got to the hill. I thought he was kidding of course. As he was the first one to tackle the hill, I squeaked after him as he gassed it “Showme the best line honey!” Up he went. With six of us milling around at the bottom and before I lost my nerve, I hit the gas and followed his exact line almost before he had parked his bike at the top of the hill.

Color me stupid. Two-thirds of the way up I saw a 3 ft. 89.5 degree angled cliff taunting me. (“Golly gee”, I thought in utter terror “I just don’t seem to remember THAT last time I went up this hill.”) So in a panic I hit the gas, lost my footpeg, shot up and sideways and then dooooown into ... the water gully ravine that was 6 ft from the line my husband took. Falling took a damn long time as I recall. Chris said he saw me hit my head on the rocks on my way down, but I didn’t feel it. I was too busy marveling at how consistent gravity is. And how if you divide the angle of the slope by pi you get Easter.

Now here’s where you see the difference. Of course my husband was worried and scrambled down to help me (I was fixing dinner that night and he doesn’t understand the microwave). My youngest son started crying ( he thought I was dead. You’ll recall ‘death of a family member is an acceptable reason to cry), my two sisters were worried sick and my nurse sister launched herself up the hill to help me. And my brother-in-law said:

“MAN, I sure wish I had a video of THAT!”

I rest my case.
Viva la difference.